the masses

i keep having really odd dreams. maybe it’s because i don’t have any advil pm to help me sleep.

so far, the common thread in these dreams:

i am in a library at a university or something. it’s huge. there are tall bookshelves around the perimeter of the room, and long, heavy tables lined up in the center. there are chairs everywhere. and i am alone – but only for a short time. as i read and make notes, people start coming into the library. there are so many that they begin pressing against me, making me uncomfortable. and then i realize they are all talking to me, telling me various biblical stories and really trying to impress me with them in order to convert me to their religion. i counter with my own beliefs about religion, and one by one they are quiet – and their eyes are clear, and they have lost their need to be better than the others.

what the hell.

there are only a few variations on this dream – location changes, mostly. i think it’s merely wishful thinking, that what i can offer might make a difference. i’d like to be able to stop the sheeplike behavior of “believers”. i sincerely believe that religion will lead to the end of our civilization.

faith is a completely different matter, and is also a private matter. or should be, anyway.

crumbling walls

this country is going to hell. i’m sorry, but the only saving grace i can see for our future is barack obama. if the fundies get their way and put mccain and palin in office, we can put our heads between our knees and kiss our asses goodbye.

yes, i’m bitter. i’m so tired of the political mess, the economical mess, the environmental mess. if it were at all possible to drop out of society and live off the land, i’d be so there.

the lights inside us

while driving to work this morning, i started thinking again about my nephew and his beaten puppy status, and i “saw” that there’s still a light inside him but it’s very small and insignificant. i saw my mother’s light, dusty, a little dim, not a clear light at all. i saw my sister’s, too, steady but fluctuating between different ranges of color. my own seemed more like a pulsar, whirling and pulsing bright to dim. and my husband’s, clear and ever-brightening. it’s a little harder to see my own kids’ lights, only because i want to see what they should be and not what they probably are.

i guess any parent would have problems with that.

 

puppy

i have a nephew who is like a puppy nobody wants. he was raised by my parents. his mother is my sister, no great shakes. she’s never acknowledged him as being part of her. ever. my mom raised my sister’s kids, the boys, anyway, after the oldest one was removed because of child abuse and neglect. the middle boy ended up being level-headed after awhile, though he does deal with alcoholism. the youngest one is the puppy. he’s got so many emotional problems that he will never be normal.

what do you do when your mother doesn’t want you, and the woman who raised you hates everything you stand for, reminds you constantly of what a waste of skin you are?

he’s going to end up dead. or else my mom will.

claimed unclaimed

last november, i got an email from one of my aunts. she wrote that, while she was searching for familiar names on the “missing money” website, she saw my name listed. thought i might want to check it out. and i did. it was through the arizona department of revenue. they wanted proof that i had lived at the address they had on record before they would consider me as the remittee. in late january, i sent all the info they requested. in late march, they said they were mulling it over. and yesterday i got a check for a little better than $600. not bad, not bad. i was expecting more like a fifth of that.

goes to show you, if your name is on the internet somewhere that you weren’t aware it was listed, you really should look into the reasons why.

now, the problem i am having is whether to be extra good with the unexpected cash and pay some bills (medical ones that we have in collection) – or should i be a good parent and pay back the money we’ve “borrowed” from our daughter’s savings account – or should i be naughty and buy myself a new digital camera and a pda for my husband?

*sigh* what would karma want me to do?

EDIT: Yeah, I got the camera.

education

today i taught myself some new things in ms office 2007, in infopath. i like that program a lot – it’s all about xml, but easy because it takes care of the hard stuff for you.

next tuesday, i’m going to see about getting into some college courses for web design and graphics. i think i might be good at it.

EDIT: Well, I’m enrolled at Stevens-Henager now, in the Graphic Arts program. I’ll have an Associate Degree in January 2010.

What the hell have I done?

painful days and those gone

today, i came to work to find people in tears everywhere i turned. a nameless young man, one with talent in computer software maintenance, died by his own hand last night or this morning. nameless, because i haven’t heard who it was. i’m sure i’ve seen him working around the office, but i never knew him personally. it’s sad. i feel bad for those who did know him well. but this brings me to the subject of suicide, which i have a huge problem with. it’s a selfish, self-centered, thoughtless act.

if you are that depressed, if you are completely overwhelmed with stress and life and nothing seems to work right for you, the solution is not escape. if you have had any thoughts of suicide, the best thing you could do for yourself is to find someone to talk to who will really listen. maybe you need medication – in that case, talk to a doctor. i don’t care if you don’t believe in medicating yourself, you need to stop being selfish and think about the people around you who are affected by your depression. be considerate. you can’t be considerate? because nobody cares about you, why should you care about them? tell you what, you need to first care about yourself before anyone else will.

understand your self. love your self. care for your self. listen to your self…

work

do you ever feel that the work that you do is just “busywork” to fill the hours until something happens?

especially when it’s just paper-pushing or money handling, things that aren’t all that important in the bigger scheme of things. it almost feels as though we’re playing a make-believe game, and we’re all just children.

but then, aren’t we?

eckhart tolle

i’m reading his book, “a new earth”, and so far i am finding it incredibly refreshing to know that i’m not alone in my own theories of what’s next.

he’s put in words everything that i’ve wanted to tell people for years now. i’ve tried. most people look at me like i’m a loon. some actually listen and investigate things for themselves. it’s important, someone had to teach it – and eckhart is very good at educating the masses. his book was on the book club list for oprah, which means thousands of people have read it just from watching and listening to oprah. maybe hundreds of thousands. hopefully. and hopefully each one has passed the book to someone else who needs to know.

is there anybody out there who has read this book and can offer their own insights?

downtime

i’ve been working again, temp stuff, office-related, for a gov’t agency. it’s not too bad. at least i get along with the people here – it’s like a huge family, everyone helps out everyone else. they recently had a position up for grabs that i wish i qualified for… technical writer. i have enough experience for the most part, but one of the requirements was dreamweaver. i don’t know dreamweaver. i wish i did. so now i’m looking at taking some courses through a local college, if i can afford to pay the tuition.

today, i finished editing a 19-page document that was given to me a week ago for proofreading and editing. it ended up at 23 pages, but that increase was probably due to my use of page breaks as well as separating the six tables from the text. hopefully my boss will like it. she won’t be back until next week, so i have a while to wait.

it’s a little after 4 p.m., and i leave at 4:30. when i get home, i’ll put the chicks out into their pen in the backyard so that they can get some outside time – they’ve been cooped up (pun intended) for two days because it was just too windy to risk getting them sick by taking them out. we’re almost done building the run, and i think the coop is finished aside from painting it.

it’s not really that hard to write, once i get started.